tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19017971185595303212023-11-15T06:17:32.969-08:00Library for Fun - Jokes and JoyBecause you have to smile at least once a day...:)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.comBlogger535125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-54134311278518614432011-05-27T07:43:00.001-07:002011-05-27T07:43:02.871-07:00Fairy Boat<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Two gay homosexuals are standing on a bridge watching the ships pass by below.<br />
One guy says to the other..."What kind of ship is that?" The other replies... "Container ship."<br />
"OK, what's that one over there?" "Oil Tanker."<br />
"How about that one?" "That's a ferry boat."<br />
"Wow! I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-47359587883245839142011-05-27T07:41:00.003-07:002011-05-27T07:41:34.913-07:00Elephant thing<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don''t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."<br />
<br />
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he''s out back".<br />
<br />
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.<br />
<br />
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.<br />
<br />
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.<br />
<br />
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-33358657362921280262011-05-27T07:41:00.001-07:002011-05-27T07:41:03.000-07:00Confessions<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."<br />
<br />
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."<br />
<br />
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"<br />
<br />
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-5123659748762609062011-05-27T07:40:00.003-07:002011-05-27T07:40:39.615-07:00Coming Out<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A gay homosexual, after years of hiding it, finally decides he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, " Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."<br />
<br />
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"<br />
<br />
The guy said nervously, " Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."<br />
<br />
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-10537531695035647182011-05-27T07:40:00.001-07:002011-05-27T07:40:05.712-07:00Blowing Bubbles<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.<br />
"What is your name?" he asked.<br />
"Quack." the duck answered.<br />
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.<br />
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.<br />
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.<br />
"What's your name?" he asked.<br />
"Quack," the duck answered.<br />
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.<br />
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.<br />
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.<br />
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.<br />
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-20658076178085426162011-05-27T07:39:00.003-07:002011-05-27T07:39:29.678-07:00Ashes To Ashes<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.<br />
<br />
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."<br />
<br />
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."<br />
<br />
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-74829882617468386812011-05-27T07:39:00.001-07:002011-05-27T07:39:01.263-07:00100 Reasons Why You Are Gay<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In case you didn't know it, here are a bunch of ways to tell if you're gay. Maybe you are, maybe you're not - we don't really care (freedom of expression right?). This is more of a guide. If at least 5 of these things describe you, you just be a homosexual. Congrats.<br />
<br />
1. You could care less who Brittany Spears is sleeping with.<br />
2. You understand the differences between 27 brands of imported chardonnay.<br />
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.<br />
4. You know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere the gerbil.<br />
5. You understand the immense importance of quality lighting.<br />
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.<br />
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.<br />
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.<br />
9. You really have "Been there, Done that."<br />
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends.<br />
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."<br />
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your house.<br />
13. You can have naked men you don't know at your house.<br />
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.<br />
15. You understand why God invented spandex.<br />
16. You understand why God didn't intend everyone to wear it.<br />
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.<br />
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.<br />
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.<br />
20. You can smile to let someone know you hate them.<br />
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.<br />
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.<br />
23. You've always got an opinion.<br />
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.<br />
25. You know how to dress strategically.<br />
26. Your car has an amusing female name.<br />
27. You're the only one at your reunion who looks better than you did in high school.<br />
28. You've got at least one framed picture of your cat.<br />
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Madonna.<br />
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?<br />
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.<br />
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.<br />
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.<br />
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.<br />
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.<br />
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.<br />
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.<br />
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.<br />
39. You know how to make an entrance.<br />
40. You know when to make an exit.<br />
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Elton John.<br />
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.<br />
43. You know how to program your VCR.<br />
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.<br />
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.<br />
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.<br />
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.<br />
48. You know when to play dumb.<br />
49. You know what to do for a hangover.<br />
50. Yes, you do have a condom.<br />
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.<br />
52. One or more of the following apply to you:<br />
a) You adore Famke Janssen<br />
b) You hate Famke Janssen<br />
c) You hate people who adore Famke Janssen .<br />
d) You hate people who hate Famke Janssen .<br />
e) You don't give a damn about Famke Janssen .<br />
f) Who is Famke Janssen ?<br />
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:<br />
a) Bernadette<br />
b) Chita<br />
c) Barbra<br />
54. You made Donna Summer a star.<br />
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.<br />
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.<br />
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.<br />
58. You know when the party's over.<br />
59. You know where to go after the party's over.<br />
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.<br />
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of<br />
a) Your grandma<br />
b) Your face lift<br />
c) John Wayne Bobbit<br />
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.<br />
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."<br />
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.<br />
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.<br />
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.<br />
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.<br />
68. You sing along with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".<br />
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.<br />
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.<br />
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.<br />
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.<br />
73. You've left someone totally speechless.<br />
74. You've shaved something other than your face.<br />
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".<br />
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.<br />
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.<br />
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.<br />
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.<br />
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.<br />
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.<br />
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.<br />
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.<br />
84. You know your enemies.<br />
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.<br />
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.<br />
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.<br />
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.<br />
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.<br />
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.<br />
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.<br />
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.<br />
93. You know, by heart, every line in:<br />
a) All about Eve<br />
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show<br />
c) Your face<br />
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.<br />
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.<br />
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.<br />
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.<br />
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.<br />
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.<br />
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-44361712468738945152011-05-27T07:38:00.001-07:002011-05-27T07:38:25.117-07:00Gay Bar Blues<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the bartender, "Give me eight double vodkas."<br />
<br />
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had a hell of a day." "Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay."<br />
<br />
The next day the same guy comes into the bar and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"<br />
<br />
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another eight double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"<br />
<br />
"Yeah, my wife..."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-57391676494951833702011-05-22T11:44:00.001-07:002011-05-22T11:44:09.121-07:00Girlfriend<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ''H'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.<br />
<br />
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he''s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.<br />
<br />
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ''Y'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he''s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.<br />
<br />
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ''M'' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.<br />
<br />
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-75605264337653999662011-05-22T11:43:00.003-07:002011-05-22T11:43:43.296-07:00Sandals<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. "Dey makes you wild at sex."<br />
<br />
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.<br />
<br />
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.<br />
<br />
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-39898189670698417892011-05-22T11:43:00.001-07:002011-05-22T11:43:10.927-07:00Wild party<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible.<br />
<br />
Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.<br />
<br />
After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."<br />
<br />
"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."<br />
<br />
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."<br />
<br />
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."<br />
<br />
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"<br />
<br />
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-28125638568792386712011-05-22T11:42:00.001-07:002011-05-22T11:42:23.762-07:00Murphy's logic<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One day Murphy was outside and was mowing his grass when a big moving truck pulled in the driveway next to his. Knowing that no one lives there he figures that he is getting new nieghbor's. He finishes up his grass and the neighbor's are unloading the truck he walks up to the fence and says hello, I'm Murphy and I live next door. Well the guy sets down the box that he is carrying and says "good to meet you Murphy I, am Tim".<br />
<br />
Well the two of them got to talking and Murphy asked Tim what he did for a living. Tim thought for a moment and proclaimed proudly that "I deal with logic." Murphy, looking dumbfounded, said "what?" Tim offered Murphy an example.<br />
<br />
Murphy said "allright." Tim said, "Do you have a dog? Murphy replied "yea, I have a dog". Tim then stated "Well then it is logical to assume that you have children." Murphy said that is right, I have 2. Tim then stated "if you have 2 kids then it is logical to assume that you have a wife." Murphy said "Yea, 10 years now!" Tim said "well then its logical to assume that you are a "heterosexual." Tim, astonished, said "Wow, that's right!"<br />
<br />
Well later that day Murphy came across his other neighbor Jim and Jim said "Hey, I see you have a new neighbor." Murphy stated "Yea, he's very interesting too." Jim says "what do you mean?" "Well, Murphy stated he has the most interesting job." Jim said "What is it?" "Murphy says he deals with logic." Jim said "Logic.. what?" "That's what I said" stated Murphy. "Well let me give you an example."<br />
<br />
Murphy said "Jim, do you have a dog?" Jim said "Now you know I dont have no dog." So Murphy pondered this for a minute and said "You're gay!"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-53384351004209461412011-05-22T11:41:00.003-07:002011-05-22T11:41:54.447-07:00Brokeback Mountain – Deputy Edition<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.<br />
<br />
Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he's got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.<br />
<br />
The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn't get any sleep."<br />
<br />
The following night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he's so loud. I watched him all night."<br />
<br />
The third night was Frank's turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. Said he wasn't gonna put up with any snoring... "We'll see!" said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning, wonderful day outside isn't it?" he said.<br />
<br />
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn't snore a bit, hehe."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-61030412664541498962011-05-22T11:41:00.001-07:002011-05-22T11:41:17.498-07:0013 margeritas<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, "Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?"<br />
<br />
So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, "Well, my first blow job." The bartender smiles and replies, "Yea, that's a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!"<br />
<br />
"Nah," the guy replies... "If thirteen doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-86714351561035421052011-05-18T06:51:00.001-07:002011-05-18T06:51:41.874-07:00Good health insurance pays off<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility.<br />
<br />
While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the resident replies. "If he doesn't ejaculate 20-30 times a day, he'll become confused and disoriented."<br />
<br />
As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-40506388668074801862011-05-18T06:50:00.001-07:002011-05-18T06:50:27.384-07:00Keeping an eye out for the doctor<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably won't get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.<br />
<br />
He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctor's examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the man's butt was his glass eye staring right back at him!<br />
<br />
"You know John," said the doctor, "you're really going to have to learn to trust me."</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-31264960931098333412011-05-18T06:49:00.001-07:002011-05-18T06:49:40.023-07:00Tales from the loony bin<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dr. Smith recently got his doctorate in psychology and his first assignment was to visit the community loony bin retirement home for the patient's monthly mental examination.<br />
<br />
He sees his first patient and asks him, "Ralph, how much is six times six?" Ralph responds "74." He asks the next resident, "Tim, how much is six times six?" Tom responds, "Thursday." Expecting more of the same, he approaches Randy and asks him, "Randy, how much is six times?" "THIRTY-SIX" replies Randy. "That's right Randy, well done! Now tell me how did you know that answer?" "Oh it was easy... I just subtracted 74 from Thursday!"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-88047857079552316762011-05-18T06:48:00.000-07:002011-05-18T06:48:41.460-07:00Or whaaat?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.<br />
<br />
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.<br />
<br />
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."<br />
<br />
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-88867669926475601312011-05-16T07:20:00.001-07:002011-05-16T07:20:30.599-07:00Life is tough if you are stupid<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.<br />
<br />
The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."<br />
<br />
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you," the professor says.<br />
<br />
Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson... "Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger... Now, learn to pay attention."<br />
<br />
The moral: Life's tough, but it's even tougher when you're stupid.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-84067042505137155812011-05-16T07:19:00.002-07:002011-05-16T07:19:46.379-07:00A very smart business plan<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.<br />
<br />
On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it's doing. "As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise." he says "The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."<br />
<br />
On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a "hiss.. hiss... hiss-pop" sound during the manufacturing process. "Wait a second," the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is... but what's with the 'pop' noise every once in a while?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, that hehe. It's the same as the baby bottle nipple process." says the guide... "It pokes a hole in every third condom."<br />
<br />
"But that can't be good for the condoms!" the observant shift manager replied.<br />
<br />
"Nah, but it's really good for the baby bottle nipple business!"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-82402575347895399252011-05-16T07:19:00.000-07:002011-05-16T07:19:06.044-07:00T.G.I.F vs. S.H.I.T<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."<br />
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."<br />
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.<br />
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."<br />
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."<br />
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."<br />
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.<br />
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"<br />
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-88034744041940929862011-05-14T10:20:00.002-07:002011-05-14T10:20:40.127-07:00Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Never eat prunes when you're hungry. <br />
<br />
Never say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "I just sold the last one the other day." <br />
<br />
Never use one word when twelve will suffice. <br />
<br />
Never hold a rap contest at a square dance. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet.<br />
<br />
Never listen to Chubby Checker's "Let's do the Twist", when you're stuck in quicksand.<br />
<br />
Never be the first to do anything. <br />
<br />
Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else. <br />
<br />
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-31273183518965835802011-05-14T10:20:00.000-07:002011-05-14T10:20:02.526-07:00Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman. <br />
<br />
Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference. <br />
<br />
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. <br />
<br />
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon. <br />
<br />
Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. <br />
<br />
Never say "Oops in an operating room. <br />
<br />
Never try to out-stubborn a cat. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-38903906307928737302011-05-14T10:19:00.001-07:002011-05-14T10:19:36.671-07:00Never eat at a place called Mom's.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Never play cards with a man named Doc. <br />
<br />
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. <br />
<br />
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. <br />
<br />
Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are. <br />
<br />
Never argue with a woman when she's tired. <br />
<br />
Never argue with a woman when she's rested. <br />
<br />
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1901797118559530321.post-72642942529784758932011-05-14T10:12:00.001-07:002011-05-14T10:13:54.938-07:00Wiki Pie Dia<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A<br />
Pie-ability: a handicap or other impediment that lessens the enjoyment of eating pie<br />
Pie-acinth: deep red pie<br />
Pie-agra: an aphrodisiac made with pie that takes four hours to eat <br />
Pie-alai: game played with a ball and hand held basket of pie<br />
Pie-attolah: Iranian holy man who is fond of eating pie<br />
Pie-a yellow ribbon: first draft of a hit song by Tony Orlando<br />
<br />
B<br />
Pie-bald: a raunchy story involving pie<br />
Pie-bet: the land where the Dali Lama enjoys a nice piece of pie<br />
Pie-bred: a green pie<br />
<br />
C<br />
Pie-can't stop loving you: Song about a cream Philled pie <br />
Pie-ceberg: Massive slab of frozen pie capable of sinking ships<br />
Pie-ceberg: Pie wedges of lettuce<br />
Pie-cense: a certificate authorizing the holder to bake and sell pies<br />
Pie-chotomy: contradictory pies<br />
Pie-cuspid: a tooth adapted for chewing pies<br />
Pie-cy: Risky and unpredictable little cubes of pie<br />
<br />
D<br />
Pie-dalia: a type of onion used in pies<br />
Pie-dentification: Credentials carried by a pie that determine what type it is <br />
Pie-dea: A thoughtful revelation regarding pie<br />
Pie-dolatry: The worshiping of pie as a cult image<br />
Pie-dye: a clothes coloring method using pie fillings and usually applied to T-shirts<br />
<br />
E<br />
Pie-ella: a Spanish rice made from pie<br />
<br />
F<br />
Pie-fi: a wireless internet system for lap-top pies<br />
<br />
G<br />
Pie-graine: a severe headache caused by an overconsumption of pie<br />
Pie-gress: an aside brought up when discussing pies<br />
<br />
K<br />
Pie-ke: a brand of tennis shoe with a slice of pie for a logo and the motto "Just eat it"<br />
Pie-ke: The market in Seattle famous for tossing fish pies at customers<br />
<br />
L<br />
Pie-lates: Physical fitness system that focuses on developing the apple core muscles.<br />
Pie-ley Cyrus: teenage entertainer who mainly sings about pie<br />
Pie-light: a presentation extolling the value of pie<br />
Pie-l on: Stack up more and more pieces of pie, until you have a leaning tower of pie-sa. <br />
Pie-lon: a driving course obstacle made from a pie<br />
Pie-lophone: a percussion instrument made from many pie slices<br />
<br />
M<br />
Pie-men: a thin layer of pie crust covering a freshly baked pie<br />
Pie-mon Says: a children's game<br />
<br />
N<br />
Pie-nal: the last piece of pie on the plate<br />
Pie-ning: Yearning deeply for pie<br />
Pie-n: A piece of pie that belongs to me, and is NOT yours.<br />
Pie-not: the appropriate response to "why should we eat pie?"<br />
Pie-nstein: Famous physicist who invented the Unified Pie Theory<br />
<br />
O<br />
Octo-pie: more than one pie cut into eight pieces<br />
Pie-olet: a purple pie<br />
Pie-oneering: Forging new pie recipes<br />
Pie-ous: a reverential attitude towards pie <br />
<br />
P<br />
Pie-ped: a two legged pie <br />
Pie-pette: Device used in labs to transfer pie specimens to slides in order to do a calorie count<br />
Pie-per: overly excited from eating pie<br />
Pie-per: Private jet owned by the pie elite<br />
Pie-pochondriac: a person who imagines they have diseases brought on by the consumption of pie<br />
Pie-pod: a small piece of pie that can store music downloads<br />
<br />
R<br />
Pie-rate: intense anger experienced when pie is not available <br />
Pie-reckon: Propoer southern response to the question, "Would you like a second piece of pie?"<br />
Pie-rection: the path followed when getting a piece of pie<br />
Pie-rometer: an instrument used to measure the heat of a pie<br />
<br />
S<br />
Pie-sano: a term of affection for an Italian eating a pie<br />
Pie-sces: Astrological sign of people born in February, represented by two slices of pie<br />
Pie-scream: Exclamation of utter joy at the amalgamation of two delicious desserts<br />
Pie-sectomy: a medical procedure used to stop pie production<br />
Pie-sexual: a person who enjoys intimate relations with pies<br />
Pie-soceles: a triangular pie with opposite sides of equal length<br />
Pie-society: a snobbish social circle of pie bakers<br />
Pie-solation: Just you and the pie. Alone.<br />
Pie-sometrics: the dynamic tension experienced in anticipation of a slice of pie <br />
Supie-ne: Lying on the back, face up, eating pie <br />
<br />
T<br />
Pie-tie: an alcoholic pie served mostly in Tiki Bars<br />
<br />
V<br />
Pie-vulge: to tell about a pie recipe<br />
<br />
Y<br />
Pie-sol: a disinfectant made from pie<br />
<br />
Z<br />
Pie-Zod: Designer clothing sporting a pie shaped logo</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10625921475848721952noreply@blogger.com0